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Scorpio story exchange :: 30 )
Tying to be positive, but
I am tying to be positive, but it is hard when you are born with a dark cloud above your head.This dark cloud won't stop raining on me when sun shines on everyone.I got fired from a job from an abusive employer that fired me for the lack of customers in his business.I got kicked out of the nursing school for not being able to pay for the tuition on time and was never awarded any grants or financial aid even when I was unemployed.Additionally,I can't afford money for the ticket to visit my dear parents I havent seen for 12 years.I believe in God and good deeds, so I help people where I can and if I can, but I haven't met anyone who could help me.It just seems that I am born with this cloud above my head and by now I am used to it just like people are used to have hair because they're born with it.I was many times winner in the scam games, victim of many betrayers and liars, abusers, but I am trying to be positive,or at least on my way to find out how!I need help with paying rent, with tuition for books and school, food and everything that many don't appreciate since they have it.Should I mention that I need more financial help for food and to visit my dear parents, to bring my dog for a checkup and vaccination, to finally marry and have a wedding, to visit a doctor for checkup, to remove a suspicious looking spot or to have a root canal done? My faith helps me keep my mind clear since I can walk, talk and I am not dead sick(?).Every time I need food or am sick, and every time I think of how nice it would be to finish 1 more year of college and have a decent job, or everytime I wish I could visit my parents and hug them, help them...I think that someone might have it worse than me, and instead of feeling better to not possibly be in the worst situation, I feel sad for those people I think of, that could have it worse than I.How much can an heart actually hurt?Just when I think I cannot be hurt anymore than I actually am, I am granted a proof very soon.Just when I think I can't be broke anymore, another bill proves me wrong.And just when I think that I should work on getting optimistic, I start crying...and guess what?
Has anyone ever evidenced the max on how poor and hurt a human can actually be, because I would like to sign up for new record breaking.
I hope that every single wish of every single nice and good hearted human will be granted, and I wish that my parents will get better, and I wish that there is no mean people,that all children have good parents and both parents, nice warm home and meals, that all animals in the world are healthy and have plenty of food and don't suffer, I wish there was no drugs and alcohol and no diseases.I wish that everyones Chrismass, Hannukkah, Quanza, Ramadan and other hollidays (sorry for not knowing them all) be happy and bright with all the dearest people around.May Almighty grant everyones wishes and afterwards maybe give peace and happiness and health to my family, and may he ease our worries.Maybe someday the dark cloud will disappear? One million dollars will make no one happy person, but who knows, we never got one!You don't know 'till you're there, it might take away many worries, and help many,many,many poor souls.It is optimistic to dream about it, but it feels guilty somehow. God bless you all.
emka
deepdeepblue00 @ yahoo . com
 Saturday, November 05, 2005 at 00:32 |
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Scorpio story exchange :: 29 )
Last minute surprise
As a tradition I always buy a couple of scratch off lotto tickets and play a one dollar lotto ticket with numbers related to my birthday on my birthday. The drawing was the night before so I played my numbers. I ended up winning eleven dollars on my scratch offs(I spent two) but didn't check the lotto numbers until last night. I looked at the list and got excited because I thought I only had three and that was five dollars I didn't have...well I actually hit four and won eighty dollars, therefore making my life right now a little easier. Thank goodness.
Scorp N1
Wednesday, November 02, 2005 at 04:36 |
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Scorpio story exchange :: 28 )
loyalty to a fault
I had been married "blindly" for 10 yrs. I had never had a twing of jealousy, never doubted a word he said. I took alot of pride that he wasn't like the men who hit on me all day long. I loved being able to go home where I was the only one. Totally devoted to my children, my husband and my home.
Then I looked on my computer one day and it was a porn fest. I didn't know anything about computers and hadn't touched it since we'd gotten it a year before. I sat down and started clicking......something was stirring inside me, like I was a secret spy in some covert operation. I was absolutely devastated at what I was seeing, and how long it had been going on.
Not just on my computer but things he was exchanging w/ men at work.one of the wives let me in on it after she heard what was going on with us. I didn't even know this man anymore.
I'd been living a lie the whole time, he was devoted only to me, he didn't have eyes only for me, when it came down to it.....it was out of sight ....out of mind.
I work with the public and I meet nice men or rude men daily, and I felt like all these men had been looking at me like I was a cheap porn star, their compliments were insults to me now.
That was 5 yrs ago...now I'm more upset over the emotions and things that I feel him doing, I will never be blind again, I can literally feel every move he makes. All the women he looks at on the TV when he's lying right next to me, its a betrayal everytime I close my eyes or walk out the door. It almost ruined my home, but being the scorpio mom I am, I wasn't going to let it affect my children, I've stayed with him, kept up the appearances and tried not to go off and say too much when I know he's up to something. Should I be glad that its just "fantasy women" and not the real thing?
In my mind, a lustful thought, is the same as doing it, the search for porn nausiates me. Knowing everytime I walk out the door he's looking up stuff.....he won't click on the links, just looks at the name's....I know he keeps it at work in his locker, I know he shares it w/ his co-workers, which makes me not want to look any of them in the eye. They can all see I'm not an ugly woman, I take care of myself, but its not enough, he still has to Look at other women.
I'll be so glad when my children are grown(only 6 more yrs) and I can walk out, and never come back, so he can get his eyes full all day and all night, wonder when he'll look up to see if I'm coming?? hahahaha
I'll only be 40 and I'm saving money and have a career I'll be easily transferrable in, I just count down the days, when I am not a mom, a wife, a manager, I'll only be the woman I want to be. Free of anymore worries, no more worries of why or why not, just knowing I'll be calling the shots and Looking for a true love, who'd appreciate that I've been a faithful wife, devoted mother, one who is searching for the same thing I am.
Monday, October 10, 2005 at 15:52 |
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